What Couples Really Mean When They Say They ‘Can’t Communicate’

The painting shows smooth, overlapping eggs in a nest, with one egg featuring a detailed human eye.

If you’ve ever said “we just can’t communicate,” you’re in good company.

It’s one of the most common phrases couples use when they come to therapy. But beneath that surface frustration — beneath the raised voices, the shutdowns, the looping arguments, what most couples are really describing isn’t a communication problem in the literal sense. It’s an emotional and relational one.

It’s Not About Words, It’s About Safety

When couples say they “can’t communicate,” they’re usually saying: I don’t feel heard. Or I don’t feel safe enough to be honest.

Often, each partner’s nervous system is on high alert. One person may withdraw to avoid conflict, while the other pushes harder to be understood. The more one retreats, the louder the other gets, and the more disconnected they both feel.

In this state, even simple statements can sound like attacks. “I wish you’d help more around the house” can land as “You’re failing me.” The words themselves aren’t the issue, it’s the emotional charge underneath them that gets lost in translation.

Patterns Form Around Pain, Not Logic

Couples tend to get stuck in repetitive communication loops because the conflict isn’t about the present moment. It’s about old wounds — fears of rejection, shame, abandonment, or inadequacy that get triggered in real time.

When your partner criticizes you, for instance, your body might register it as a threat before your mind can remind you, “This is someone I love, and who I trust loves me.” The result? You react defensively, or shut down, or try to fix things too quickly — all adaptive moves that once helped you survive emotional pain, but now keep you from feeling close.

Listening Means Regulating, Not Waiting to Talk

Real communication starts when both people can regulate enough to listen. That might sound obvious, but it’s a skill that takes practice. Listening doesn’t mean silently waiting for your turn to respond, it means staying present with what your partner is expressing, even when you disagree or feel misunderstood.

Often, I encourage couples to slow down to the pace of emotional truth. That can sound like:

• “I notice I’m getting defensive right now, but I want to stay with you.”

• “I hear you’re hurt. I want to understand what that’s like for you.”

• “Can we pause for a second? I want to respond from a calmer place.”

These small moments of repair are what make new communication patterns possible.

The Real Work Isn’t “Fixing Communication”. It’s Rebuilding Connection.

Couples who “can’t communicate” are often longing to feel safe, seen, and loved again. Communication tools like “I” statements and active listening exercises can be useful — but only when they rest on a foundation of emotional safety and mutual goodwill. Without that, even the best technique can feel performative or hollow.

The goal isn’t to never fight: it’s to know how to find each other again afterward. To trust that disagreement doesn’t mean disconnection. To move from “me versus you” into “us versus the problem.”

A Closing Thought

If you and your partner keep circling the same argument, try stepping back from what you’re fighting about and ask what’s really at stake for each of you. Often, the question isn’t “How do we communicate better?” It’s “Can we let each other see where we’re most afraid and most wanting to be loved?” That’s where real communication begins.